How do you self sabbotage? -Subala

How do you self sabbotage?

Psychologist Alice Boyes generated this list of questions to help you pinpoint your own most self limiting mindsets and behavioral habits. In some cases, once you know what your patterns are, you'll see obvious avenues for change. For others, it's a valuable process to consider. Read through the 30 patterns outlined below and rate how applicable each is to you, using a 1-7 scale in which 1 = "not a problem at all" and 7 = "This is a big problem for me"

How You Approach Change

On a scale from 1-7 where 1 is not a problem and 7 is a huge problem, you expect yourself to succeed in making life changes without designating any time or mental space to accomplish them.

On a scale from 1-7 where 1 is not a problem and 7 is a huge problem, you see your capacity to change as being dependent on other people's behavior. For example, you'd exercise more or make better spending choices if your spouse was more supportive.

On a scale from 1-7 where 1 is not a problem and 7 is a huge problem, you’re a perfectionist who is dismissive of incremental improvements, and you’re only satisfied when 100 percent of a problem is fixed

On a scale from 1-7 where 1 is not a problem and 7 is a huge problem, you’re “too busy chasing cows to build a fence.” You’re too busy to come up with processes or systems that would help you better manage your time.

Pleasure and Self Care

On a scale from 1-7 where 1 is not a problem and 7 is a huge problem, your approach to pleasure is a denial-binge cycle. You deny yourself simple pleasures and relaxation, and then stay up watching Netflix until 3 a.m.

On a scale from 1-7 where 1 is not a problem and 7 is a huge problem, you ignore the warning signs that you need a break.

On a scale from 1-7 where 1 is not a problem and 7 is a huge problem, you don’t solve simple roadblocks to pleasure. For example, you enjoy taking photos, but your phone is full, and you haven’t gotten around to backing it up.

On a scale from 1-7 where 1 is not a problem and 7 is a huge problem, you hold back from doing the things you want due to erroneous “I can’t…” thoughts. For example, you think “I can’t take a dance class until I’ve lost weight.”

Hidden Drains on Your Time and Energy:

On a scale from 1-7 where 1 is not a problem and 7 is a huge problem, you waste a lot of time and emotional energy reinventing the wheel, such as writing a new packing list each time you take a trip or continually resetting passwords you forget

On a scale from 1-7 where 1 is not a problem and 7 is a huge problem, you need better routines that work for you. For example, you go grocery shopping every second day, because you’re always running out of basic items.

On a scale from 1-7 where 1 is not a problem and 7 is a huge problem, other people in your life defer all decision-making to you rather than taking up some of that burden. You allow this pattern rather than empowering them to make decisions.

On a scale from 1-7 where 1 is not a problem and 7 is a huge problem, in situations in which you can choose to be happy or choose to be miserable, you choose to be miserable.

Procrastination

On a scale from 1-7 where 1 is not a problem and 7 is a huge problem, you create self-imposed rules that trigger and support procrastination. For example, you think, “If I don’t have time to vacuum the whole house, I won’t do any housework.”

On a scale from 1-7 where 1 is not a problem and 7 is a huge problem, you overcomplicate solutions to problems. You think and research endlessly, trying to find perfect solutions.

On a scale from 1-7 where 1 is not a problem and 7 is a huge problem, you stay stuck in patterns that are psychologically comfortable, but not working for you. For example, overworking is more comfortable and familiar than having more balance.

On a scale from 1-7, you allow yourself to ruminate or worry without expecting yourself to take appropriate problem-solving actions. For example, you worry about the security of your online accounts, but do nothing to lower your risk.

Relationships

On a scale from 1-7, When a relationship needs improving, you over-focus on decreasing negative interactions, but under-focus on increasing positive interactions and shared experiences.

On a scale from 1-7, you throw stones from your glass house. You complain about other people’s behavior when you need to make the same change yourself.

On a scale from 1-7, you repeat strategies for trying to influence others that aren’t effective 90+ percent of the time. For example, you repeatedly nag your spouse when it hardly ever works.

On a scale from 1-7, you don’t adequately acknowledge the points other people make. You ignore other people bringing up genuine problems about your behavior.

On a scale from 1-7, ou operate based on how you think a situation should be rather than dealing with reality. For example, you think your spouse should be able to remember a particular task so you don’t write the instructions down

On a scale from 1-7, you have emotional raw spots that, when triggered, result in out-of-proportion reactions. You don’t have effective methods for managing your emotions and behavior when your childhood hurts and traumas are reactivated.

Work:

On a scale from 1-7, you self-generate stress. For example, you start more projects than you have time to finish

On a scale from 1-7, you work on low priority tasks, but leave high priority tasks undone.

On a scale from 1-7, you overwork when what you really need is to step back and see the big picture.

On a scale from 1-7, you’re self-critical when self-acceptance and compassion would have a more positive impact on your behavior and emotions.

Money

On a scale from 1-7, you hold back from investing or otherwise taking charge of your money, because of shame and anxiety about a bad decision or experience from years ago.

On a scale from 1-7, you overpay for items due to risk aversion. For example, you could buy generic printer ink for a fraction of the cost of brand-name ink, but you overpay for a sense of security.

On a scale from 1-7, you will overpay for minimal extra gain. For example, you’ll spend more for a top-of-the-line model when the extra features that the model offers aren't even particularly important to you.

On a scale from 1-7, you make financial decisions based on being sucked into marketing incentives when those decisions aren't logical. For example, you’ll pay $40 more to stay at a hotel that you accrue points with but it totals $10 in reality

On a scale from 1-7, you keep paying for subscriptions you rarely use.

1. Consider addressing any habit you’ve rated a 5 or above.

If you had lots of “that’s me” experiences reading the quiz, then pick what’s most appealing to you to work on or focus on the patterns that have the biggest negative impact on your life and relationships.

2. Once you see your patterns, make specific behavioral plans of what you’ll start doing instead.

Here’s an example: If negativity is affecting your relationships, you could use two strategies. You set a goal to (1) make one positive comment at every meeting you attend at work, and (2) ensure that the first thing you’ll say when you see your spouse in the evening will be something positively toned.

3. Any behavior change plan you come up with needs a contextual trigger.

In other words, “When X happens, I’ll do Y,” as in “When I’m in a meeting, I’ll make a positive comment.”

4. Aim to improve your habits (by say 1, 10, or 20 percent), rather than to eliminate all self-defeating behavior from your life.

That type of perfectionism is self-defeating in itself! Gradual improvements you make over time will add up more than you expect and will help rewire your default mindsets to create resilient new habits.